What If?

Two blogs in the same year, watch out! My 2018 has been a season of abiding, and the Lord has been gracious to me. It has been a season of growth and pressing in to Him, a season of finding Him faithful, present, and doing great things in my life. The following is glimpse into what I have been walking through, struggling with, and learning from Jesus lately.

Something happened to me this past April... and I try not to talk about, because maybe if I don’t talk about it, it won’t be real. But it is real. Every day I live with it, on April 10, 2018 I turned 35. And I’m still single. I’m a single 35 year old.

Most days I’m ok with my singleness, actually even more than ok. I enjoy my life. I have great friends, can do pretty much whatever I want without having to weigh how that affects another person’s plans. I can keep all my shoes in my front room because hey, it’s bigger than my closet. I can have ice cream for breakfast, I can read 9 books in 12 days and that’s fine, because there is no one at home to complain. No one there to share my time, no one to share my space. No one. It’s in those moments that as of late I have felt the heavy at times almost crushing weight of loneliness.

I don’t know if you have ever walked through a season of loneliness, if you haven’t let me tell you loneliness sucks. Like hoover vacuum level sucks.  In complete honesty, I’ve walked through a season of loneliness before but this time has been different. Harder, more lonely. After thinking about it, I think it is different because, unlike times before, this season of loneliness comes at a time that I would say that my spiritual health is better than it has ever been. As I mentioned 2018 has been a sweet time with the Lord, and now this. That doesn’t seem to mesh with me.

I also struggle to reconcile that I am blessed beyond measure with people in my life. I am surrounded. I am not alone.

I have a great family, mom, dad, sisters, brothers and a herd of nieces and nephews that I adore and spend a ton of time with. I am loved and cherished by them and I know this.

I have a group of friends that I think would make most people jealous. People that are my age, older, younger, married, single, widowed, and divorced. The whole spectrum of people. People that love me, do life with me, encourage me, laugh with me, cry with me.

I have a work family, not coworkers, they are family that I spend the majority of my time with that are some of my favorite people. They pour into me, and push me to be better. They encourage me on a daily basis and push me to lean into the gifts that God has given me.

See surrounded by great people, not alone. Yet, I am lonely.

I’m 35. I’m single. I’m lonely.

It’s a hard spot.

A spot where in dark moments I think I have failed and am missing out on huge parts of life. As I celebrate (and  I do mean celebrate, because I’m so happy for my friends and family) marriages and new babies, and babies growing up, I look at what I don’t have and think “why don’t I get that Lord? I want that, how much longer do I have to wait? What mistake did I make that disqualifies me from those things” I listen to the lies that Satan is whispering and sometimes shouting over me. That I’m not good enough, that I’m not meant for certain things, and that if God can’t even provide me with a husband, he probably doesn’t need/deserve my life/service/worship... like I said a hard, dark spot.

The first time I said that out loud to myself, I wept. Not kidding, I did the Disney princess move and threw myself on the bed and had a good cry.

But here is the crazy thing.... Maybe God hasn’t brought a husband into my life because He is enough. Because for years I have clung to the idea that God is good and Jesus is enough. Maybe I get to be an example of raising that banner high in my singleness.

Maybe I get to look into the sweet little faces of my 6th grade Sunday school class and say “no boy is ever going to complete you. That is Jesus job,” and every day when I look into the mirror repeat the same thing to myself.

Maybe I get to experience loneliness so I can empathize with others and know, that I can’t fix it, nobody can. That the best thing to do is just too continually to point pheople to Jesus and His beautiful Word.

Maybe I’m single so I’m not tied down, heck I know that to be true, I’ve packed up and moved overseas before, I’ve spent vacation time on mission trips and youth activities. Sure a married person can do all those things, but it is even easier for a single gal like me.

Maybe I’m single to prove that not settling for someone who doesn’t know the Lord, but loves you is the right choice.

These are all things I want to be true. I want the Lord to be glorified in my life, with all aspects of my life. I want people to see my life and see a woman who Loves Jesus, who fears God, and knows He is enough.

What if my loneliness is meant for my good? What if I peel back the hard, ugly parts of it to see the underlying reason?

What if my loneliness is part of my sanctification? What if it is the Holy Spirit showing me a part of my life that I am still holding on to, a part of my life that I think I know what is best. When in all actuality it is crippling me in certain areas. What if this idol of “married life and a spouse someday” is preventing me from glorifying God with every aspect of my life today?

What if I stopped asking when is my husband going to show up and started asking Jesus, show me where I’m not surrendering to You.

What if?