Well, it is a rainy afternoon in my part of the world, and I must say it is quite fitting. This past week or so has been very interesting, and in all honesty very hard. I have gone back and forth on how much I should share with the unknown few of you that are actually reading this… and after a lot of thought and even more prayer; I have decided that I am going to be very transparent. I feel that that is the only way to ensure that none of the praise and or glory goes to anyone besides the One that is truly worthy of it. If I put on a brave face and pretend that I am doing great, I feel like it could become very easy to claim victories that are not mine to claim. I am a weak, broken mess of a human but God is big, glorious, creator of all things, mighty to save, loving, patient, faithful, ever present, strong, victorious, all-knowing, completely sovereign and so many more things. He alone is worthy of praise and glory, any meager victory I have is because Christ died so that I may live and the Holy Spirit is abiding in me. It is Him who works through my weakness and brokenness to make beautiful things.
As I mentioned, this past week has been rough, more so the weekend. I went to bed Friday with a heart that was full of praise and gratitude for God providing just what I needed. Saturday morning was good… then I ran out of water….and spent the day alone. Sunday… no electricity for most of the day, and again I was alone… (Please know that the great people that I am here with did try to include me in their lives, but my stupid pride got in the way). Needless to say, I do not do alone very well. I mean I enjoy an hour or two or maybe even a quiet weekend every once and awhile, but for the most part… I am a social butterfly. I come from a large family and have been blessed with a large group of friends that over the past few years I have grown to see as a second family, and I am realizing just how much I took for granted that I could send out a text and few hours later 6 of us would be together playing games, doing dinner or just hanging out. I miss some people so much it hurts…which is a complete new feeling for me.
My heart was tormented…how am I going to do this? What was I thinking moving somewhere where I don’t have a little group? Am I going to be alone all the time? Lord, how am I going to do this???? Two years!! I can’t make it two years. If I go home will everyone view me as a failure?
I have to admit, that there were several tears shed. I spent time talking to the Father and telling him that I was lonely, homesick and scared. And I felt like my words and pleas were simply bouncing off of the ceiling.
Monday morning came, and I just knew that it would be better…. And it wasn’t. I tried to put on the brave face at work and around others, the team still doesn’t know that I was having a hard time – I plan on telling them on Thursday. As the week progressed, I thought ok… I’m getting a handle on this, and then Thursday happened.
Thursday afternoons we have a team meeting… we get updates on what is going on, spend time in worship, bible study and prayer… basically its community. We are working through James and spent this last week talking about suffering and how it produces perseverance. “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.” James 1:2-3. Needless to say, my heat was pummeled by God, in the good way. Because no matter how lonely I am, I have Jesus. My joy is found in Him. Period. Not in my family, friends, or the familiar. Just in Jesus. I went home on Thursday night and spent some time repenting of my doubts. God has not brought me halfway around the world to abandon me. I am never going to get a handle on my deceitful heart… only God can do that, and has. I just have to continually fall before His feet and beg Him to provide for me, just like He always has. One of my favorite preachers says this:
“There is nothing, nothing, nothing that is currently on or in your life that God has not in His infinite, all-knowing wisdom decided not to stop, and so therefore its part of the purposes of God for His Glory and your eventual joy.”
So even in the dark night of the soul, I know God is there, and He is victorious. Even though, I know this… I am still repenting daily for my wicked heart and clinging to the promise of Joy, which makes the homesick a little easier to wade through.
If you have a few moments would you stop and ask that God will continue to pull at my heart and keep me focused on Him. Pray that I will not get caught up in missing friends and family and miss what is going on right here. Pray for my language lessons, I have a giant pile of flash cards and feel just a tad bit overwhelmed. Most of all, please pray that God will reveal himself to the Khmer people… pray that His light will shine brightly in this land.
I finished reading “The Hobbit” yesterday, and I had to laugh when I finished it… I had never noticed how much time Bilbo spends wishing he was home in his nice hobbit hole. Or how many different comforts he longs for instead of the incredible journey he is on. From his house, chair, pantry to his bed… he longs for the comforts of home… but had that crazy Hobbit never left those things, then the King would not have been able to return in the Lord of the Rings. It just goes to show that we have no idea of how our journeys will affect the journeys of others. I pray that my journey will be obedient God and used to accomplish His purpose.
By grace and with much love