Well, it is a rainy
afternoon in my part of the world, and I must say it is quite fitting. This past week or so has been very
interesting, and in all honesty very hard.
I have gone back and forth on how much I should share with the unknown
few of you that are actually reading this… and after a lot of thought and even
more prayer; I have decided that I am going to be very transparent. I feel that that is the only way to ensure
that none of the praise and or glory goes to anyone besides the One that is truly
worthy of it. If I put on a brave face
and pretend that I am doing great, I feel like it could become very easy to
claim victories that are not mine to claim.
I am a weak, broken mess of a human but God is big, glorious, creator
of all things, mighty to save, loving, patient, faithful, ever present, strong,
victorious, all-knowing, completely
sovereign and so many more
things. He alone is worthy of
praise and glory, any meager victory I have is because Christ died so that I
may live and the Holy Spirit is abiding in me.
It is Him who works through my weakness and brokenness to make beautiful
things.
As I mentioned, this past week
has been rough, more so the weekend. I
went to bed Friday with a heart that was full of praise and gratitude for God
providing just what I needed. Saturday
morning was good… then I ran out of water….and spent the day alone. Sunday… no electricity for most of the day,
and again I was alone… (Please know that the great people that I am here with
did try to include me in their lives, but my stupid pride got in the way). Needless to say, I do not do alone very well.
I mean I enjoy an hour or two or maybe even a quiet weekend every once and
awhile, but for the most part… I am a social butterfly. I come from a large family and have been
blessed with a large group of friends that over the past few years I have grown
to see as a second family, and I am realizing just how much I took for granted
that I could send out a text and few hours later 6 of us would be together
playing games, doing dinner or just hanging out. I miss some people so much it
hurts…which is a complete new feeling for me.
My heart was tormented…how
am I going to do this? What was I thinking moving somewhere where I don’t have
a little group? Am I going to be alone
all the time? Lord, how am I going to do
this???? Two
years!! I can’t make it two years. If I go home will everyone view me as a
failure?
I have to admit, that
there were several tears shed. I spent
time talking to the Father and telling him that I was lonely, homesick and
scared. And I felt like my words and pleas
were simply bouncing off of the ceiling.
Monday morning came,
and I just knew that it would be better…. And it wasn’t. I tried to put on the brave face at work and
around others, the team still doesn’t know that I was having a hard time – I
plan on telling them on Thursday. As the
week progressed, I thought ok… I’m getting a handle on this, and then Thursday
happened.
Thursday afternoons we
have a team meeting… we get updates on what is going on, spend time in worship,
bible study and prayer… basically its community. We are working through James and spent this
last week talking about suffering and how it produces perseverance. “Consider
it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,
because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.” James
1:2-3. Needless to say, my heat was
pummeled by God, in the good way.
Because no matter how lonely I am, I have Jesus. My joy is found in Him. Period. Not in my family, friends, or the familiar.
Just in Jesus. I went home on Thursday
night and spent some time repenting of my doubts. God has not brought me halfway around the
world to abandon me. I am never going to
get a handle on my deceitful heart… only God can do that, and has. I just have to continually fall before His
feet and beg Him to provide for me, just like He always has. One of my favorite preachers says this:
“There is nothing,
nothing, nothing that is currently on or in your life that God has not in His
infinite, all-knowing wisdom decided not to stop, and so therefore its part of
the purposes of God for His Glory
and your eventual joy.”
So even in the dark night of the soul, I know God is
there, and He is victorious. Even
though, I know this… I am still repenting daily for my wicked heart and
clinging to the promise of Joy, which makes the homesick a little easier to
wade through.
If you have a few moments would you stop and ask that
God will continue to pull at my heart and keep me focused on Him. Pray that I will not get caught up in missing
friends and family and miss what is going on right here. Pray for my language
lessons, I have a giant pile of flash cards and feel just a tad bit
overwhelmed. Most of all, please pray
that God will reveal himself to the Khmer people… pray that His light will
shine brightly in this land.
I finished reading “The Hobbit” yesterday, and I had
to laugh when I finished it… I had never noticed how much time Bilbo spends
wishing he was home in his nice hobbit hole.
Or how many different comforts he longs for instead of the incredible
journey he is on. From his house, chair,
pantry to his bed… he longs for the comforts of home… but had that crazy Hobbit
never left those things, then the King would not have
been able to return in the Lord of the Rings.
It just goes to show that we have no idea of how our journeys will
affect the journeys of others. I pray
that my journey will be obedient God and used to accomplish His purpose.
By grace and with much love
sarah
