So I had a quarantine birthday... 

Let me start with, I know that this situation is hard for all of us. Everyone’s situation is different, some of us are quarantined alone and are slowly losing our minds, some of us are quarantined with families, and doing school from home, and are slowly losing our minds. 

Some of us haven’t been directly affected by COVID-19, others it seems like life has stopped. The lost of loved ones, jobs, businesses, things you were looking forward to, gone. So please know, I’m very aware that there are those out there that have and are walking through much harder things then a birthday alone... but this is just my story. 

My birthday happened to be on Good Friday this year, which seemed a little fitting... lot of reflecting during Holy Week on what Jesus walked through and what His resurrection means. The waiting and the hope of the season seemed to feel a little different this year. I think we all can identify with the idea of waiting and of hope, of longing for this season of life to be over. To return to a normal way of life, to a routine that involves leaving the house and pants with buttons. Maybe it’s just me; but I don’t think it is. 

So, anywho... back to my birthday. I come from a family that takes birthdays pretty seriously... of course the level of festivities has changed as we all entered adulthood, but it is still there.. so walking into a birthday week knowing that this year there would be no celebration, no favorite meal, no game night with friends, was interesting. I knew all those things would happen later, but it was a little sad. It was a feeling of tension, how I think life should be and how it actually is.

The night before my birthday I get a text from a dear friend telling me to check my porch...I opened the door to a bag full of balloons, party decor, gifts, and plans for “Sarah’s social distancing birthday”. 

 Guys, I cried. 

Two sweet friends had made arrangements for lunch to be delivered, a friend zoom call, birthday cake, and even a game night via Houseparty.  So I of course decorated and went to sleep anticipating the next day. 

The next day was filled with the plans these friends had made, countless texts, video messages, Facebook messages, flowers, people stopping by and singing to me from the end of the sidewalk, chips and salsa from a friend, seeing a niece and a nephew from a distance, dinner delivered by one of my brothers,  and more love then I think one person deserves. I heard from new and old friends. People that did life with me a long time ago, that I know, even though we have moved away from each other, they would be here in a heartbeat. People I do life with daily went above and beyond to love on me (they are all aware that this has been hard for me). 

It was overwhelming. After almost every interaction, I either full out cried or got very misty eyed. I’m tearing up even now as I think about it. 

These were/are not bad tears. They are just the overflow of my heart... there not the words to express how deep my gratitude and love for all of those who reached out. 

So what did I learn from this completely amazing and overwhelming day?

Throughout this entire experience I have heard people say, and have said myself, “this isn’t how life is supposed to be” and I understand the sentiment and agree on some level, but my birthday also show me another side of things. 

This is exactly how life is supposed to be. 

Brothers and sisters in Christ standing in the gap and loving each other well. Knowing that when this sister says she is “fine” she isn’t “fine”.  Stepping up in difficult times even if it is just for a birthday.

All day that day, and really ever since then a line from a song has been running through my head...

“No one ever cared for me like Jesus” 

He used all of you to soothe my weary heart and soul. 

He always knows what we need and as James 1:17 tells us 

“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.”

No one ever cared for me like Jesus. 

This is exactly how it is supposed to be.

And He does not change - even in a quarantine.

What If?

Two blogs in the same year, watch out! My 2018 has been a season of abiding, and the Lord has been gracious to me. It has been a season of growth and pressing in to Him, a season of finding Him faithful, present, and doing great things in my life. The following is glimpse into what I have been walking through, struggling with, and learning from Jesus lately.

Something happened to me this past April... and I try not to talk about, because maybe if I don’t talk about it, it won’t be real. But it is real. Every day I live with it, on April 10, 2018 I turned 35. And I’m still single. I’m a single 35 year old.

Most days I’m ok with my singleness, actually even more than ok. I enjoy my life. I have great friends, can do pretty much whatever I want without having to weigh how that affects another person’s plans. I can keep all my shoes in my front room because hey, it’s bigger than my closet. I can have ice cream for breakfast, I can read 9 books in 12 days and that’s fine, because there is no one at home to complain. No one there to share my time, no one to share my space. No one. It’s in those moments that as of late I have felt the heavy at times almost crushing weight of loneliness.

I don’t know if you have ever walked through a season of loneliness, if you haven’t let me tell you loneliness sucks. Like hoover vacuum level sucks.  In complete honesty, I’ve walked through a season of loneliness before but this time has been different. Harder, more lonely. After thinking about it, I think it is different because, unlike times before, this season of loneliness comes at a time that I would say that my spiritual health is better than it has ever been. As I mentioned 2018 has been a sweet time with the Lord, and now this. That doesn’t seem to mesh with me.

I also struggle to reconcile that I am blessed beyond measure with people in my life. I am surrounded. I am not alone.

I have a great family, mom, dad, sisters, brothers and a herd of nieces and nephews that I adore and spend a ton of time with. I am loved and cherished by them and I know this.

I have a group of friends that I think would make most people jealous. People that are my age, older, younger, married, single, widowed, and divorced. The whole spectrum of people. People that love me, do life with me, encourage me, laugh with me, cry with me.

I have a work family, not coworkers, they are family that I spend the majority of my time with that are some of my favorite people. They pour into me, and push me to be better. They encourage me on a daily basis and push me to lean into the gifts that God has given me.

See surrounded by great people, not alone. Yet, I am lonely.

I’m 35. I’m single. I’m lonely.

It’s a hard spot.

A spot where in dark moments I think I have failed and am missing out on huge parts of life. As I celebrate (and  I do mean celebrate, because I’m so happy for my friends and family) marriages and new babies, and babies growing up, I look at what I don’t have and think “why don’t I get that Lord? I want that, how much longer do I have to wait? What mistake did I make that disqualifies me from those things” I listen to the lies that Satan is whispering and sometimes shouting over me. That I’m not good enough, that I’m not meant for certain things, and that if God can’t even provide me with a husband, he probably doesn’t need/deserve my life/service/worship... like I said a hard, dark spot.

The first time I said that out loud to myself, I wept. Not kidding, I did the Disney princess move and threw myself on the bed and had a good cry.

But here is the crazy thing.... Maybe God hasn’t brought a husband into my life because He is enough. Because for years I have clung to the idea that God is good and Jesus is enough. Maybe I get to be an example of raising that banner high in my singleness.

Maybe I get to look into the sweet little faces of my 6th grade Sunday school class and say “no boy is ever going to complete you. That is Jesus job,” and every day when I look into the mirror repeat the same thing to myself.

Maybe I get to experience loneliness so I can empathize with others and know, that I can’t fix it, nobody can. That the best thing to do is just too continually to point pheople to Jesus and His beautiful Word.

Maybe I’m single so I’m not tied down, heck I know that to be true, I’ve packed up and moved overseas before, I’ve spent vacation time on mission trips and youth activities. Sure a married person can do all those things, but it is even easier for a single gal like me.

Maybe I’m single to prove that not settling for someone who doesn’t know the Lord, but loves you is the right choice.

These are all things I want to be true. I want the Lord to be glorified in my life, with all aspects of my life. I want people to see my life and see a woman who Loves Jesus, who fears God, and knows He is enough.

What if my loneliness is meant for my good? What if I peel back the hard, ugly parts of it to see the underlying reason?

What if my loneliness is part of my sanctification? What if it is the Holy Spirit showing me a part of my life that I am still holding on to, a part of my life that I think I know what is best. When in all actuality it is crippling me in certain areas. What if this idol of “married life and a spouse someday” is preventing me from glorifying God with every aspect of my life today?

What if I stopped asking when is my husband going to show up and started asking Jesus, show me where I’m not surrendering to You.

What if?

Looking Back and Thinking Ahead

*Disclaimer – I haven’t blogged in 5 years, mainly because I don’t think I have anything that needs to be added to the constant stream of voices in cyberspace.  The following has been weighing on my heart for about 2 months and I decided since I can’t shake it, maybe I need to put it out there.  Maybe there are others that are in the same place and need to know they are not alone, or maybe I just need to be held accountable by friends that will read this.  Also, do not be afraid this is not another single female chiming in on the call to singlehood, waiting for prince charming, or how to survive only having friends that are coupled up. 

2017… what a year.  I feel like as the year winds down and I look back, I see a lot of me chasing rabbits or worse my own tail.  No there was no single giant catastrophic moment, but rather several small moments that I look at and I’m frustrated by.  Moments where I wish I would have pressed into Jesus more deeply. Moments where I wish I would have sought the counsel of wise, Godly people. Moments where I wish I would have taken a step back and seen the big picture. Moments where I wish I would have loved better.  All these moments point to the same problem for me… distraction.

I was so distracted in 2017.  Some of my pet distractions:

• Family
• Health
• Career
• Others Expectations
• Friendships
• Being a control freak
• Pet sins

Just saying these out loud hurt my heart. They aren’t all bad things, don’t get me wrong, some of them are, but some of them are good things, that because I am a broken person I have elevated to a place that makes them bad. These pet distractions, all have my focus slightly shifted, and a slight shift in ones focus can be devastating. 

But what have I been distracted from? What have I lost focus of? The short answer, Jesus. The long answer, what I have been called to as a believer.  Don’t get me wrong, my relationship with Jesus is stronger than it has ever been.  I think that is why I can look at back at things and think… that should have been different.  Or I can look at these pet distractions and call them what they really are, idols. They make horrible gods and only lead to pain and destruction.  I have the scars to prove it.

So, as I have been thinking back on 2017 and thinking forward to 2018.  One idea keeps coming to mind… really one word.  Yearn.  I want to yearn for God with every fiber of my being.  I want to cry out with the psalmist:

“I stretch out my hands to You; my soul longs for You as a parched land.” Psalm 143:6

“Whom have in heaven but You? And besides You, I desire nothing on earth.” Psalm 73:25

I want to sing the lyrics to a familiar Shane and Shane song at the top of my lungs and have them be the cry of my heart:

Lord, I want to yearn for You

I want to burn with passion

Over You, and only You.

I want my focus to be on the Lord so that I yearn for the things He has for me.  I want my distractions to be laid at His feet and left there. I want to rejoice and weep with Him. I want to yearn for Him and Him alone, knowing that He is faithful to provide just what I need when I need it. 

I know this sounds a lot like a new year’s resolution, but it is so much bigger than that.  It is a prayer.  I want to Yearn for God and nothing else.  So I want rest in the last verses of Habakkuk:

“Though the fig tree should not blossom,

nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail

and the fields yield no food,

the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls,

yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation.

God, the Lord, is my strength;

he makes my feet like the deer’s;

 he makes me tread on my high places.”

Habakkuk 3:17-19

Thanks for reading, enjoy the end of 2017 and may you Yearn for the Lord in 2018.

Also, single girls if you are reading this… Your Prince has already come, his name is Jesus.  No man that walks into your life will complete you. Love Jesus. Follow Jesus. Be obedient to what He has called you to.  The rest will take care of itself.   (sorry, I couldn’t help myself)

Obedience

How can one word cause such and upheaval… because being obedient to the Lord can and does turn your life upside down.   I can look back at points in my life and see things that I did that some people did not understand and that the world called foolish.  But I can say that those moments of following as the Lord is prompting/calling/directing and leading have been some of the sweetest moments with Him.

I had a student minister say once, if you have an obedience problem, you have a love problem, I cannot tell you how many times that statement has come to my mind and heart as I pray through things… because if I choose to be willingly disobedient I obviously love myself more than I love the Lord.  I know this isn’t just a battle that I face.  We are wired to worship something, and I think most of us far too often decide to worship ourselves or something we can control. We want to know that our worship, love and obedience will benefit us.  We wrongly want to share in God’s glory. We reach out and try to take His glory and heap it onto ourselves.  We take things that are good and make them evil by failing to submit them to the Lord.  I believe the only way to avoid this from happening is to daily surrender to Christ.  To lay ourselves down on the altar of sacrifice and let Him lead in every aspect of our lives.

It is with all of that said, that I have some news to share.  I am headed back home.  The Lord has made it very clear to me that I am to return home.  I wish I could tell you all why, or what exactly the future holds, but all I can say is that I know God is Faithful.  I know that He has a path for me to walk on and ministry to do at home.   I also know that as I walk in obedience God will be right there with me. 

The past six months have been incredible.  They have been hard and the Lord has pulled and stretched me in ways that I did not know where possible.  I have learned things about myself and more importantly I believe I have learned more about Him.  So even though there have been some excruciating moments… I would not trade them for anything.  I have seen the Lord and He is good.

I plan to share more of what God has been teaching me, but I know that I needed to share my update first.  I want to take a second to thank everyone that has prayed and supported me… I know that this would not have been possible without your intercession. 

I look forward to seeing you and sharing in person what our GREAT God is doing,

By Grace

sarah

Border Run

A few weeks ago I had to take a small trip to Thailand.  I had to leave the country in order to begin the process of securing an NGO Visa.   It was a quick trip… only 3 days, but it was a great little break.  We (Vicki went with me) left early on Monday morning via bus, traveled the first day, crossed the border, stayed night in Thailand, and crossed the border in the morning, stayed the night at a nearby town and traveled back on Wednesday…. Here are a few things I learned/observed:

1.       Five hour bus ride and this sign made it totally worth it.  Elephant Crossing!!!!!  Unfortunately did not see any elephants, but the sign definitely reminded me that I am a long way from home.

 

2.       After 8 years of working with students and my personality type, when I get on a charter bus, I have this urge to count heads and take role.  I had to laugh at myself that I even thought about counting heads as we left rest stops during our journey. 

3.       I LOVE MOUNTAINS! They always stir my affection for Jesus.  My heart is also humbled that the God that created all of the mountains in the universe also knitted me together in my mother’s womb.  Its nuts.

4.       Jurassic Park has nothing on SE Asia.  I kid you not; there were several times that I was waiting for a T-Rex or some other Jurassic reptile to charge out of the trees.

5.       HOT WATER!!!!  I do not have hot water at my house and needless to say, the hot water and water pressure in Thailand were a great blessing.  I seriously took two 40 minute showers.  One of the biggest lessons that I have learned through this whole thing is that it is the simple things…. And hot showers are a simple thing that I absolutely love!

6.       I am slowly but surely mastering the fine art of climbing in and out of a tuk-tuk.

There are so many more things that I could list, but I think I will finish with this.   God is continually pulling and stretching me.  I have to surrender my controlling type A personality daily and pray for a heart that can be flexible.  It is hard, but for the moments that it all works like it is suppose to, it is so very worth it.

by grace and with much love

sarah

Everyday Life

 Time for an update on my everyday life….

I have been in country for two months, and in some aspects I feel like I landed yesterday and in others, I feel completely at home. 

I have a great little apartment in the Village.  When I say little, it isn’t that little, it is actually bigger then my old house in OKC.  It is the upstairs of a house right down the street from work and directly across the road from my little coffee shop.  It has one living space, my bedroom and bathroom on the lower level and up three little steps is where I spend most of my time.  I have started calling it the loft, but in all actuality it is a giant multipurpose room. The kitchen is in one corner, lounge space in the middle and my washer and clothes line in another corner. I have spent the past weeks, buying things and making it my space.  When I moved in, there was really no kitchen.   I had a sink, shelf and a large dorm style fridge.  After a few weeks of sandwiches and stuff that did not have to be cooked to be eaten, I did some appliance shopping.  I bought a cook top, fridge, microwave and a toaster oven.  I have really been enjoyed being able to cook some simple things for myself and feel a little more normal.   The best thing about my house… the view --- 

I have affectionately begun calling it my backyard, and it is absolutely breath taking.  I also have a great little balcony on the front of the house, that on days when I lose power, I drag a chair out there and read.  It is nice, I can watch what is going on in the village and I am sure it amuses some of the people around me.

Daily life is pretty simple, and very similar to the states.  Wake up in the morning, far to earlier for my taste… the village seems to start waking up around and since I sleep with windows open, I usually wake up around 4:30, don’t worry, I do not get out of bed at that time, but do the toss and turn and light sleep for another hour or so.  Then I finally give up and get up.  Start the day, surprisingly I have no coffee pot in my house, so I get up, get ready and then spend some time with the Lord.  If I have a skype date with someone at home, those usually happen in the morning. So maybe I skype maybe I don’t.  I usually head to the coffee shop for breakfast around 7:30, walk across the road and settle in.  Sometimes I eat alone, and sometimes friends are there.  I am making friends with the little kids that are there.  It is amazing how a smart phone can make them all like you.  Order breakfast in the open air coffee shop, I usually have fried egg and an iced coffee with sweetened condensed milk.   Every now and then I will get egg noodles with pork, just depends.   I spend breakfast laughing with friends and listening to the language around me, trying desperately to pick out words or phrases that I may know and of course a good portion of this time is spent giving Da a hard time.  At 8:30 I walk down the street to work.  I usually have language in the morning and then spend the rest of my time reviewing, working on media, newsletters, and giving Da a hard time.  I have had the chance to go to a few meetings, and let me just say… I really have to fight my adult A.D.D. and pay attention, because of the ever present language barrier.   It is getting better though; I am getting better at hearing the sounds and am picking up on the missing ending consonants.   I usually eat lunch at home or sometimes I do lunch at the dining hall at work.    I am building relationships with my office mates and I am loving it.  Getting to the point that I can joke around and get them to laugh, they all speak English to some level.  They all want to help me with my Khmer and my heart is happy when I can grasp enough words, or better yet, can participate in conversations.  Still have a very long way to go, but am feeling a lot better about the language.

Evenings are usually pretty quiet.  Sometimes I visit friends, but most often I am at home, just relaxing and studying.   Go to bed around 9, but that is a victory, since usually when the sun sets, it feels like it is midnight, and it is usually only 6:30!!!


Weekends, are usually about the same, minus work.  I tend to head into the city on Saturday with some friends.  Do any errand running that needs to be done and hit up Lucky.  Lucky is the grocery store and Iet me just say, grocery shopping in Asia, is a task.  I usually try to make a list… but there is no consistency to what is at the store.  Just because I was able to buy something last week, that does not mean I will be able to get it this week.   It is always an adventure, and just like home, I have found my favorite Lucky, and if it all possible, I try to go to that store.


I have had the chance to attend a church, in town, one time.  It was good to have the corporate worship time, but unfortunately the message was not all that theological sound.  I plan to visit a few other churches and see if I can find a place that I can attend semi-regularly.

Hope that you have enjoyed getting to read a little about my everyday life.  I still wake up in the morning and kind of shake my head that this is my new normal.   It is very easy to get distracted and homesick and wonder if I can really do this… so for now… I am trying to embrace the new normal and the Goodness of the Lord.

by grace and with much love,                                                                                                                        sarah

I Have Short Arms

In one of the more ironic moments of my life, I once dressed as a T-Rex.  It was several years ago in high school for senior incognito day, my group of friends decided that we were going to dress up as characters from the movie Toy Story, and I was Rex.  It was a lot of fun, I remember staying up way to late making a paper mache dinosaur head, dying clothing green, painting clothing, dying shoes, and even constructing a tail that as the day progressed  I would grow to hate.  You try to navigate your way through a mass of 2500 people with a giant dino head and a 5 foot long tail… needless to say it was a learning adventure and we did win, so that was a plus and it is a great memory.

It was so ironic to me because I have always thought my arms weren’t quite in proportion with the rest of my body.  I feel like they need to just be a few inches longer.   Remember in Toy story 2 Rex  is trying to beat a video game and he cries out in defeat “I have little short arms, I can’t hit both buttons at the same time!!!” I have felt his pain, well maybe not with buttons, but man I have thought so many times, if my arms were just a bit longer. 

As my life has changed so much as of late and really over the past year, I have several times wished “I had longer arms,” I have longed for abilities and things that I thought if I just had that, this would be so easy. Or thought man, if God would allow me this, just think how he could use it.  Usually it is fleeting and nothing that significant, but this week, He opened my eyes to a moment of me desiring longer arms and it blew my mind.

It is currently the festival of the dead in my new homeland.  What that means is that people have to go to the wats (temples) to leave food for their ancestors or their ancestors will curse them.  It is very dark thing, and it is always right in your face, especially when the monks are chanting or calling the towns people over the loud speaker system.  It is a pretty constant drone… and it is disheartening. To see people headed to the wat, and not really be able to do anything.  To see the ever present fear and lack of hope manifested on people’s faces, is heart breaking.  I was making dinner one night this week and talking to the Father, while my iTunes was shuffling in the background, I was begging God for longer arms, I am struggling with the communication barrier. I am taking language classes, but it is one of those things that you cannot rush. But I want to be fluent today. Not tomorrow, today.  I want to be able to share the Love and the Hope that can only be found in Jesus.  I want to tell my sweet landlord and her family, that God loves them and that fear doesn’t have to be a part of daily life. I was pouring out my heart to God, saying Lord this is for you name and your glory, just let me wake up knowing what to say and how to say it…. Then my iTunes changed, I am pretty sure that it had been playing the theme from “A Goofy Movie” then it started to play “My Deliverer”  by Rich Mullins. I was speechless. God is the deliverer of me and HE is the deliverer of these people.  

God doesn’t have T-Rex arms…..

I know that may sound silly and a little elementary, but think about it for a second.  God doesn’t need longer arms.  He is coming for His people.  He is accomplishing His purposes throughout the world right now.  And part of that is using a blond haired, short-armed, English speaking girl from OKC in SE Asia.  I don’t know yet what that exactly looks like and that is OK, because God has got this, like He always has. My heart is still broken for the lost people of the world, the monks chanting is still driving me to my knees to beg that God would pierce the darkness of this place with His Light, and I am still frustrated by language.

But to this I cling:

“The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.”  Zephaniah 3:17

God doesn’t have T-Rex arms.

by grace and with much love,

sarah

ps: I know these past two post have been similar and a little heavy.  I promise I will post a “what my life is like here post” soon.